she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
