I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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