Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
