you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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