my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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