i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
