My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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