a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
