just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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