Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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