Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
