There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
