I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
