Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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