I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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