11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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