Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
