dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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