He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
