Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
