dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
