I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
