I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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