my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
