Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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