Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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