Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
