Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
