I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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