from now on my penis is your penis
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
