I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
