stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
