i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
