So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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