I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
