I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
