walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
