there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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