Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
