dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
