FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
