This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
