The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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