so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
