we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
