he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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