Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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