I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
