So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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