you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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