I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
