have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
